Welcome to the King of Harpoons. You think your good? You think your powerful? Are you Obama? Are you Putin? Are you Stanley BentRod? You are now in the Fog, you must find a way out, you must Ride Through Fogs. You will not be helped, there will be no pity, you have packed your tools and now you are going through the forest in your vehicle of choice. Will you come out victorious? Or will you come out a piece of beat up lettuce? Time will tell and Champions will be crowned while the losers will be thrown off a Cliff, only to be mauled by a 600-pound Grizzly Beaver.
Hi everyone, I’m Dingles Batshit. Before you mock my name, know that my Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Grandfather was the King of Scotland for 49 years. Well in the play that they had on Thanksgiving Eve in the year 1478. My name means simply Great Batshit. My Grandfather was a crazy man who helped his people escape persecution from the Ethiopian Invaders.
Thanks Gramps, but enough of my story, Good Ol Dingles will be breaking down the Player Pool we have here in the King of Harpoons and the describe the current standing of all teams. My good Friend and legendary Gary Plonderson, who is traveling through the Bean Forest for the next 9 weeks has left with me with this Glorious duty, so let’s get to it.
Gary Portman holds the #1 spot after the WC round with 96.8 point but just four players remain. He was most notably hit by the heavy investment of the Cincinnati Bengals where he lost four players including A.J Green, Marvin Jones, Mike Nugent and Tyler Eifert. As we all saw, Cincinnati lost in devastating fashion after a fumble and two person foul penalties basically sealed a Pittsburgh win. The Bengals have been a hard luck franchise for some time and it continued this year. Gary is going to need the Packers and Aaron Rodgers to somehow make the Super Bowl with Gronkowski going completely off to have any chance of finishing in the money. But it appears the Cincy Investment will doom him, much like my investment into Canadian BeanSprouts which caused my Wife to leave me for a Jewish Pencil Sharpener Salesmen.
Projected Points Divisional Round: 62
Joe Portman, Gary’s Big Bro, is just 2 points behind with 94.2 points but with 7 players left. The Chiefs D was the star of the WC round for him scoring 33 points. Jordan Reed also turned in 28 points and it would have been huge if he advanced but the Skins much like the Bengals haven’t Won anything significant in a very long time. Joe will need a Peyton Manning SB ticket along with solid performances from Larry Fitzgerald to have a legit shot at taking this title. With the rest of the team comprising of Luke Goldilocks Wilson, Fitzgerald Touissant, Markus Wheaton and Danny Amendola, he will need Peyton and Larry Fitz to be the strongholds.
Projected Points in Divisional Round: 76
Matt Stone a former Champion of this tournament sits in 3rd place with 78.55 points and 9 players, tied for 2nd most. Stone is heavily invested in the Steelers with Big Ben, Martavis Bryant and Chris Boswell. He will need a banged up Big Ben to go into Denver and take down Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos. The team also comprises of Seattle D, Christine Michael, Greg Olsen, Charcandrick West and Andre Ellington. Ellington will take a backseat to David Johnson, but thoughts around these parts are that he may have a nice impact in these playoffs. Olsen in the SB will also produce a ton of points for Stone, so if he can get that Steelers victory this week he will be in fairly good shape.
Projected Points in Divisional Round: 87
The Eldest of the Portman Bros, Robert Portman, finished in 4th place after the WC round with 74.5 points and 7 players left. Emotions may have got the best of him as he went with his Favorite Team’s Emotional QB Kirk “You Like That” Cousins, while also selecting Pierre Garcon. The Skins looked to be in control after an early safety, but despite Aaron Rodgers struggles this year, the Skins D was just not good enough to contain him and the Pack. Bob def didn’t like that shit. But the worst part had to be seeing his kicker Blair Walsh miss a chip shot FG which was a pure choke job. After you watch that, you figure you are pretty much stuck in a wheelbarrow full of Wet Geese Crap. Bob will need Jeremy Maclin, Emmanuel Sanders, Spencer Ware and the Panthers D to put up big points the rest of the way. However, it’s not likely and the first round gamble of sticking with his Skins will probably prove to be his downfall.
Projected Points in Divisional Round: 56
Frank “it’s not a tumaa” Thoma holds the 5th spot with 73 points and 8 players left. Frank lost Teddy poufy hands Bridgewater and Stefon Diggs in devastating fashion and it would have been a nice bonus to have had them advance to the next round. Antonio Brown is the lifeline of this team. And despite reports of him not looking good for this weekend, Ol Dingles has learned that from his local sources that Brown will indeed play and play well in a matchup vs the Denver Broncos and their talented secondary. Thoma will also be looking for a Packers upset of the Cards as he looks to maintain James Jones and the Packers D. Frank also will need good performances from James White and Steven Jackson as they lead the NE backfield. If Antonio Brown can advance Frank will have a legit shot, but he will live and die with Brown, much like I lived and died with my Running Fade away, Left Handed, 27 foot, Three Point Hook Shot in High school. Here is a highlight of my students successfully attempting my hookshot in Thailand in 2012. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnM9VYeF9I0
Projected Points in Divisional Round: 68
Steve D the champion from 2 years ago, is currently in 6th place 38 points back of the leader with 58.2 points and 8 players left. Steve got a big advancement with Alex Smith and two Packers Davante Adams and James Starks pressing into the next round. Tyler Lockett moved on as well but was disappointing with just 4.5 points. This team is Broncos heavy with Demaryius Thomas, Broncos D, and Brandon McManus. The other key piece to this team is David Johnson. With a Broncos win and Cardinals win, Steve will be in a nice position with some solid point producing players going into the Championship round. Even if the Packers win he will be looking fairly good. A win by the Chiefs will obviously put Steve in prime position, but this team is basically reliant on Denver making a run to the SB. Steve is the commish and a good friend of Plonderson, so from my Family to his, Happy Freaking New Year Pal, hope to see you at the Eagle Conference in Idaho next Winter.
Projected Points in Divisional Round: 105
Petey C 2nd place finisher last year is currently in the 7th slot with 57.5 points and 5 players left. DeAndre Hopkins was the biggest loss of the 1st round. Travis Kelce had a nice 1st round 22-point performance and he will most certainly need a KC upset of New England to have any chance of winning this. Cam Newton will also need to make the SB as the rest of his team is pretty weak. He had both the Texans D and Texans kicker so those were big losses in the 1st round. He will also need Eddie Lacy to lay off the FlapJacks and Chitlins in preparation for Sundays Game.
Projected Points in Divisional Round: 62
Robby D aka Hack is in 8th place with 53.3 points and 9 players left. Brian Hoyer was completely devastating as he was a turnover machine, finishing with -.8 points. DeAngelo Williams not playing in the 1st round was also costly and reports are he may miss the matchup vs the Broncos. Rob is going to need a Seattle, New England ride to the SB with his Doug Baldwin and Julian Edelman WR combo to have any shot of finishing in the money. Problem is, there isn’t much firepower coming from the rest of his squad. Most likely during the draft Rob was hitting the electronic pipe researching the last 10 and watching highlights of Spurs C Boban Marjanovic as he looks to maintain his Excellence in Fantasy NBA.
Projected Points in Divisional Round: 80
Kenny D sits in 9th place with 45.4 points and 9 players left and has a decent roster remaining. Russell Wilson’s 12-point performance was surprising but at least he advanced with the Blair Walsh miss. Ken maintains Wilson, Michael Floyd C.J Anderson, and K Catanzaro as his top weapons. Ken will need a Seattle Run to the SB along CJ turning into the old CJ and Denver getting back to the title game. In the meantime, maybe he can get some more contributions from Jordan Todman, Albert Wilson and Heath Miller as most likely none of them will advance past the divisional round. Stranger things have happened however, like when I lost my cooking apron and then found it hanging in my neighbors closet 41 years later. Pretty strange if you ask me.
Projected Points in Divisional Round: 85
Michael Esposito “Espo” sits in 10th place with 40.7 points and just 6 players left. Heavily invested into the Bengals much like Gary Portman, Espo lost 3 Bengals in horrid fashion by losing A.J. McCarron, Jeremy Hill and Giovanni Bernard. Word is, his neighbor, Chuck Tekels, who lives 6 houses down heard him screaming at his TV relentlessly, shouting multiple obscenities throughout the Bengalis game. Also a old lady was hit with a Chocolate Chip Cookie and fell onto his lawn while walking her dog in the neighborhood. No cops were called or charges pressed, however. To make matters worse, Marshawn Lynch, his #1 pick, was ruled out for the game against the Vikings. Whelp, that pretty much seals it for Espo, but I’m sure he will use this as heavy motivation for the NCAA Players Pool upcoming in March. Hope to see you at Miami Mike’s!!!
Projected Points in Divisional Round: 68
11th place goes to the brand new Pops Dennis Severino. Receiving one of the lowest draft grades by my colleague Gary Plonderson, Severino escaped the WC round with just 35 points while keeping 7 players. The Cordarrelle “I’ve smoked more weed then all you did in your lifetimes combined” Patterson selection proved to be terrible as he was solely relying on his kick return prowess. However, Patterson went nowhere, much like Severino’s team appears to be going. That is however unless pretty boy Tom Brady can lead the New England Patriots to the promise land once again. He will then pair Brady up with K Steven Gostkowski on that journey. He will also need good performances from Ronnie Hillman and Randall Cobb, along with Cameron Artis-Payne doing something whether Jonathan Stewart plays or not. It doesn’t look good for Severino but this may have been foretold from the start as he emailed Commish Steve DeAngelo back saying “I’m Shot, but I’m in” when responding to his participation in this year’s tournament. New found fatherhood can do that to a man.
Projected Points in Divisional Round: 74
Last year’s Champ Evan Swalling sits in last place with just 23.3 points, but does boast having the most remaining players with 10 left. Evan, who was doubted by many even after winning last year’s title had the #1 pick and selected Carson Palmer who he will need to make a run to the SB. He also has the Cards D, so this is vital for his team. He will need Jonathan Stewart to return healthy this week against the Seahawks and then advance to play the Cards in the NFC Title game. Losing Adrian Peterson, his 2nd pick was tough, especially when only finished with 6.3 points. The rest of the team is completely suspect other than the great Brazilian sensation Cairo “Barry” Santos. If KC can make a miracle run to the SB, coupled with Carson, Zona D and some good performances from Jonathan Stewart, Evan may have a shot at the money. It just doesn’t seem likely this year.
Projected Points in Divisional Round: 79
That’s it, we hope to have an update after the Divisional round, as we will have a much clearer picture of who will be truly contending for the title. We will discuss the contenders and briefly discuss the losers. In the meantime, have a great week and enjoy the games this weekend.